always dirty, never clean (ethan)

[BENJAMIN ISAIAH BECKETT]

always dirty, i am never clean.

(T A G G E D)ethan frost (W O R D S)512 (L Y R I C S)anarbor

I GOT BRUISES ON MY HANDS & KNEES & A LIST OF FAILURES IN BETWEEN

ONE THING LEFT TO TELL IS THAT I'M BEING REAL

Benjamin knew he had really messed up. It didn't take a genius to know at that practice that he was so hung over he could barely see the commands Ethan gave him. He knew he would end up paying for it. Benjamin had found out at that practice just why Ethan wanted it to be so perfect. After all the time Ben had spend being under Ethan's command, he knew a little about how the boy used his personal time.

Benjamin had a feeling that he had ruined something for Ethan, which more than likely made this personal. He tried not to let it get to him, but that was pretty hard considering he knew it was his fault. Benjamin was in no hurry to get to the practice field. He was in no hurry to see what Ethan had to throw at him. At the moment Benjamin was able to take whatever Ethan wanted to throw at him. Of course, it'd be better if things were to be different, but Ben decided he needed to just go with it.

Considering the conversation on the chat had not gone well, Benjamin assumed the worst. Thankfully, he was in shape. Ben thought he could handle any kind of physical training that Ethan wanted to throw at him. He would take it without complaining. Benjamin walked slowly, taking deep breaths with each step as he neared the practice field. It still hadn't quite been an hour and Ben was in no hurry to get there early. He dawdled around outside for a while, thinking about whether or not Ethan would do something completely ridiculous. It already seemed ridiculous that Ethan would keep him on an all night work out. Benjamin didn't mind a work out at all, but he didn't know if even his body could take an all nighter.

Eventually the hour was up and Benjamin entered the practice field gates. The field was lit by large stadium lights. Benjamin didn't see anyone in there at the moment. He drew in yet another breath, this one making his chest hurt a little. Ben was sure that it was just anticipation. He closed his eyes, leaning against the gate momentarily. This would not be the first time that Ben had screwed something up. There had been other times in the past where Ben would sink in his depression. Pretty much the whole army knew it was time for Ben to move on from his marriage drama and either focus on strategy or find another woman. Ben had not done either of those things. Sure, for the most part Ben was an excellent leader. He coached his platoon in a way that gained him respect and admiration.

The night air was kind of chilly against Ben's skin. He wore his usual workout clothes which consisted of a pair of shorts and a fitted t-shirt. Ben licked his lips in anticipation and opened his eyes, expecting that in any moment Ethan would come at him wide open.

YOU SHOULD KNOW JUST HOW I FEEL

THEY'LL TELL YOU LIES RIGHT TO YOUR EYES

TEMPLATE CREATED BY BROOKE--

[ETHAN BAILEY FROST]

Ethan had talked to ben the day before. Ben had known he needed the days practice to be perfect.. beyond perfect. Granted it really wasnt.. needed. But at the same time he still wanted to show off what he could do and show that he had a good handle on his army. Ben of course decided that would be his night to get drunk and show up with a bad hangover. He had assured ethan it would be perfect and in fact made it seem like it was silly for ethan to even ask for perfection since his platoon was always ran with perfection. Well what a day to prove him wrong.

Ethan wasnt really all that bent out of shape. His actual motive wasn't to try and get sterling to join his army but still. He like winning and right now dexter was a strong opponent. He wanted to beat him. To be better then him and that meant making sure his army especially his platoon leaders didn't slack off or do less then amazing on a daily basis. Tonight he had actually planned to talk to him and then make sure he didn't do that again. That was before sterling came on and Ethan felt like he'd somehow done something to mess up his progress. That was not cool.

Ethan was a little pissed. He couldn't mess up when he wasn't trying to mess up. If it wasn't planned then it was bad and now he had to find a way to make up whatever thing he did wrong concerning sterling. Ethan made his way briskly out towards the practice field. It was quite the walk from the building but good because by the time he got there some of his steam had been walked off. Ethan saw a figure already inside as he got closer. Entering the practice area he didn't stop until he got up to Ben. " good evening first platoon leader, though I'm not so sure I should he calling you by that title right now." He said. " it seems you were not at your best when I told you to be " he shook his head arms crossing over his chest. " you're supposed to leave your personal things outside of here. Now what happened?" He asked raising a brow at him. " you're going to tell me and then were going to work it out of you. Got it?" He said giving him a pointed look letting him know he wasn't fooling.

[BENJAMIN ISAIAH BECKETT]

always dirty, i am never clean.

(T A G G E D)ethan frost (W O R D S)521 (L Y R I C S)anarbor

I GOT BRUISES ON MY HANDS & KNEES & A LIST OF FAILURES IN BETWEEN

ONE THING LEFT TO TELL IS THAT I'M BEING REAL

Ben did actually feel bad for letting Ethan down. He would say that he didn't do it intentionally, but he did know that he needed to be up to par and he just wasn't. Sometimes Ben wondered why Ethan just didn't demote him. Despite some of Ben's shortcomings, though, he was more of an asset. Benjamin was a quick thinker. He could instantly solve some problems which would take a normal person several minutes. Surfing had actually taught Benjamin a lot as far as how to look for quick routes and maneuvers. He had to look at going at the opponent as riding one huge wave where he had to take a tunnel or two, but in the end he would finally ride it in.

Really Benjamin just hoped that Ethan wouldn't overreact. The worst case scenario was that Ethan came, beat the shit out of him, and left. The anticipation of wondering what Ethan was going to do was killing Ben. He found it hard to wait for Ethan to show up just because he felt so tense and jumpy about it. As soon as Ethan entered the practice field, Ben straightened up. He stood with his back straight and his shoulders back. At this moment Ethan was not Ben's friend. Ethan was addressing him as a commanding officer and Benjamin was going to act as such. He kept his lips pressed in a line, though he wanted to respond when Ethan said he didn't know if he should even be calling him a platoon leader. Ben wanted to say Ethan was right... he probably shouldn't be.

As Ethan pressed for Ben to tell him what had happened, Ben looked down to the ground. He absolutely knew that he was supposed to leave his drama out of practice. Sometimes, though, the hurt was too much to just leave it behind. Most of the time Ben found it easy to carry his burden along with him, but this time it had been more than he could handle. "I don't know why you're asking me what happened." Benjamin said with a slight shrug. "I dropped the ball and that's all you need to know." Really Ben just didn't want to have to tell his squad leader how weak he really had been. He didn't want to have to explain how he couldn't leave his past behind. Ben didn't want to explain how he couldn't sleep because he had nightmares about the night his daughter died.

None of this was stuff that Ben felt he could tell Ethan. It wasn't that Ben thought Ethan wouldn't care or that he couldn't trust Ethan. Ben just was naturally a closed off person. He didn't share with people unless he absolutely felt the need to. Benjamin licked his lips, looking away from Ethan. "I'm prepared to accept whatever punishment you have for me, Ethan." Ben said solemnly. "You have known me for a while now and you know that I always pay for my mistakes."

YOU SHOULD KNOW JUST HOW I FEEL

THEY'LL TELL YOU LIES RIGHT TO YOUR EYES

TEMPLATE CREATED BY BROOKE--

[ETHAN BAILEY FROST]

There was one thing that Ethan knew he had up on dexter. The fact that he had good platoon leaders, although he was a little iffy on vivienne. Sometimes he wondered if she wasnt better suited for Dexters squad. Really not that he needed people with humanness about him, but she just had a thing all on her own. He wouldnt be surprised if she wasnt going for his position because the woman did not like taking orders. She was actually a fairly big bitch, which honestly wasnt that big of a deal. Its just.. she acted empty. At least he pretended when he needed to. there were certain things that ethan enjoyed doing and even though she didnt care like he was okay with, she just.. didnt set right with him. He wasnt even sure how he could explain it.

Ben on the other hand. He did have a lot of good qualities about him that Ethan was able to take advantage of in order to stay a very good opponent with the cobras. Plus his platoon seemed to listen to him. He had a commanding way about him when he needed to and he didnt lose the attention of his squad. They were things he needed in order to stay on top and that is one of the reasons he was even addressing Ben like he was. He couldnt even think to demote him. If he had someone better to take his place then he would have in a heartbeat. That just wasnt a possibility though. Yet anyway. They were always getting new students and some usually showed potential... like maybe... one or two out of every five or ten. Depended on how Ethan was feeling that day.

No, Platoon leader Beckett. That is not all I need to know he said to him. Do you know what happens when you just let something sit and stew then get cold and stuck in the fridge.. well its always there and people are always going to pick that out and heat it up again. he said. Sure that was a bad example but he was just going to go with it because he had alreayd started with it. So if i were to just say.. okay benjamin, you say its not going to happen again we'll just do this little exercise and it will guarentee me it wont happen. he stopped from pacing in front of him . no. he said he was only a few inches from him. thats not what happens. If i let it go regardless of what youve learned, its just going to happen again. If it got to you once itll get to you again, and again, and again. he started back up again the short distance in front of him. I need to know exactly what it was this time, because we are going to get this taken care of so i can assure it wont happen again. he told him. I am not going to put my squad at risk because what if one night you do it and we have a surprise battle. What will happen then hm? he asked stopping to address him fully again brows raising. we fail thats what.he shook his head. what kind of example is it if i allow you to show up with a huge hangover and not make sure it doesnt happen again? he crossed his arms in front of him. I did not ask you to tell me. It was not a suggestion or an option. It was an order. a command. you will tell me and we will get this fixed. If not then I am demoting you.... and if there is no one to take your place I will keep it open until there is. he told him do i make my self clear?

[BENJAMIN ISAIAH BECKETT]

always dirty, i am never clean.

(T A G G E D)ethan frost (W O R D S)623 (L Y R I C S)anarbor

I GOT BRUISES ON MY HANDS & KNEES & A LIST OF FAILURES IN BETWEEN

ONE THING LEFT TO TELL IS THAT I'M BEING REAL

Ben still wasn't sure what his value was to Ethan. He knew that his made an okay platoon leader, but Ben usually made no secret of the fact that he hated Griffin. Benjamin hated almost everything about Griffin. The only thing that really comforted Ben was that Griffin was his escape. Griffin was the one place that was willing to have him above any others in the world. Sometimes Ben drifted into a little depression when he realized that he was beginning to give in and become exactly what Griffin wanted him to be. Griffin wanted him to be cold, distant. The dumb island wanted him to have a chilling concept of what it would be like to die. Ben felt like the island could direct where he was going and what he did. The reason Ben felt so much safer on the sand bar was because it was off the island. Ben didn't consider it to be a part of Griffin, though inside he knew it was.

Ethan's fridge analogy only succeeded in confusing Ben. He wasn't sure how to take some of Ethan's analogies. Ben licked his lips as Ethan continued to speak. He did understand all of the parts about Ethan needing to know what it was that had caused him to get drunk. Ben kept his lips pressed together tight. Ethan didn't know everything about his past. There were things Ethan wasn't aware of. Ethan knew about his wife and Ethan knew that his wife wanted to leave him, but Ethan didn't know why. Ben had never told his leader the most vital point of why he was even on the island. Any regular person would just believe that he was sent here because his wife wanted a divorce and needed separation, which wasn't FAR from true.

Ben studied Ethan as Ethan said that if the issue wasn't taken care of, then he would have to demote him. As much as Ben thought that might be a good idea, he didn't want to go through the trouble. Ben had worked hard to gain Ethan's respect as a platoon leader, and he didn't want to lose it all in one night. The corner that Ben had been worked into wasn't an easy one. "Ethan," Ben started as he looked down. "Alright, I'll tell you why it is that I got drunk and came to practice with a hangover." Ben took a moment to break his attention position to turn his back to Ethan. "My daugher's birthday is coming up soon." Ben said grimly. His daughter's birthday was not far from his own and Ben hated thinking of the two being so close together. "I.. know I'll miss her birthday.. it just depressed me a little bit."

Talking about Aria as if she were still alive was something that Ben did so that people wouldn't start to be sympathetic or mushy with him. The last thing Ben wanted or needed was a crap-load of pity that he couldn't get rid of. Ben turned back to face Ethan. "I didn't mean to fuck up practice. I know there was someone you were trying to impress and I may have screwed that up for you." Ben really hated that the perfection of that practice was demanded mostly because of a boy who was sitting in the viewing area. This wasn't something he was voice to Ethan, but Ethan should know better than to think it wouldn't at least be commented on a couple of times. "If you need to demote me, then go ahead, Ethan." Ben said to him.

YOU SHOULD KNOW JUST HOW I FEEL

THEY'LL TELL YOU LIES RIGHT TO YOUR EYES

TEMPLATE CREATED BY BROOKE--